dcruzin.com

Somehow I’m only blogging on particular days like birthdays, but I am working on getting over my need for ‘perfection’ and simply writing less polished blog posts so I don’t feel like it will take too much time. For now though, I’ll just spend a few minutes to remember my brother’s 31st birthday. 

 I thought about what I might write here earlier this week, but nothing really special came up to me. You see, for awhile after Oliver passed away I didn’t necessarily want to remember him all that much, the pain was too raw.In no way has that pain diminished in the past 3 years, but somehow I’ve been able to live with it. I don’t want to see I’ve gotten used to it, because I haven’t really. If I were used to it, it would be as if I had forgotten him. I wouldn’t feel my heart wrenching with sorrow when I watch little boys in my Sunday school class - seeing an older brother protectively take his younger brother under his wing. Sometimes, yes I do feel jealous and robbed of a relationship. But in the end I am happy for those two little boys, and I’m happy that I had my first 22 years of my life with my older brother watching over me. So it’s a combination of sorrow/nostalgia/joyful tears that I feel every so often. 

  I talked to my sister last night and my mom this morning and we’re all a mindful of what day it is and it’s nice to be able to call each other and share our feelings, though it is still too infrequent (and usually my fault, admittedly). But still, we are an imperfect family striving to love each other the way God loves us.

This is so embarassing, but I’m posting a photo from his college graduation anyway.

 Today, I’ll probably just donate to his memorial fund at MD Anderson Cancer Center,  buy a small cake and share it with some friends later today, and say a prayer thanking God for the 28 years Oliver had, and I believe that our relationship has grown even stronger in the 3 years since he’s left us, which is more than an adequate birthday present for anyone.

Besides, I felt Oliver’s prescence last night as I cheered on the Houston Rockets to win their first playoff series in 12 years. So if anyone wonders why I’m so fanatical about my team, part of the reason is because Oliver and I grew up watching the Rockets on TV and some of my fondest memories of us together was going to the arena to watch regular season, playoff and even NBA Finals games with him.  Now if we can just get past the Lakers . . .