in 4 hours I’m departing for one of the 7 wonders of the world: The Grand Canyon. With 3 other friends crazy enough to join me, we’re driving over 1400 miles in 2 days (over 21 hours one-way), and will drive about 3000 miles in 1 week. Yeah, that’s a lot more than the 13 miles I ran 2 weeks ago. Gas prices are crazy, but this is the time to do it.
What am I seeking? I’m not quite sure. I’d say some time away from the craziness of the ‘real world.’ This last week has been nice not working in an office, but I’ve still been really busy with lots of side projects and errands. Part of the inspiration for this trip was Don Miller’s book Through Painted Deserts where he documents a road trip from Houston to the Pacific Northwest (yeah, kinda like me but I didn’t do it all at once in an old Volkswagon van) and has a stopover in the Grand Canyon.
I trust that God will allow us to have a good time, but also that he would speak into my heart and maybe give me a glimpse of all the ridiculously crazy stuff he has for me in the future.
Today is my second to last day at Microsoft. This may come as a surprise to many of you who I haven’t talked to in awhile. Why am I leaving? Well, the answer to that question is complex, but I’ll attempt to explain. Up front, I want to say that I really respect Microsoft as a company and overall I have had a really good experience there. I learned a lot and I met so many awesome people. That’s what I’m going to miss the most, the people (like my officemate Gary). It’s kind of like breaking up with a girlfriend. No really Microsoft, it’s not you, it’s me. That being said - clearly everything wasn’t fine and dandy at work, or I wouldn’t have left.
A big part of the reason I’m leaving is the fact that I’ve had 6 different managers at Microsoft. Some of them I really liked and some could have been better. There are a lot of re-org’s where management and group structure changes at Microsoft, but my experience isn’t typical. I’ve bounced around on a lot of different projects, but never really found one I was deeply passionate about. While I could have asked for a new project, or just changed teams within Microsoft, I didn’t feel like I could truly follow my heart at such a big company, and I’ve been yearning for more.
While this book wasn’t the only thing that made me want to leave, it did have a pretty significant impact on how I think about the world and what’s important. I may have to write a more detailed post another time, but basically, I didn’t know what the point of me working at Microsoft for 2, 5 or even 10 years would be. [Note: I am in no way trying to bash Microsofties or other people in the tech industry, the following is simply my personal opinion] Yes, I would be creating cool software and making lots of money, but to what end would all my work be towards? Right now I work for Live Search Mobile which creates software for mobile phones - particularly those phones that have mobile internet. The target audience for our products are power-users, early-adopter and business professionals - basically rich Americans. And the U.S. is still one of the richest countries in the world. The way I see it, the work I do ultimately is targeted to make life easier for the richest of the rich.
I know that indirectly this can help people, and I realize that if there isn’t anybody innovating then no progress will be made. But for me, I like making direct, visible and tangible impact on the things I am truly passionate about. While I’ve always had a heart for the poor and wanted to help people, I think the moment I realized that I want to dedicate the next season of my life to fight global poverty was when I read the my pastor’s first blog post on fighting poverty. The Sarah McLachlan video in that post had me in tears. 6 months ago I realized I wanted to start making a difference in this world. I didn’t know where to start yet, so I did lots of internet research, read lots of books and talked to as many people as I could about this. Microsoft often has speakers visit to give lectures, and one that caught my eye was when Muhammad Yunus, winner of the 2006 Nobel Peace Prize and basically the founder of Microfinance, came to speak. His talk on social business (how for-profit companies can help eliminate poverty) really inspired me, but I still didn’t know where to start.
It wasn’t until I was separately approached by two different people in Seattle to gauge my interest in helping to starting two distinct ventures to fight global poverty. One would be a non-profit foundation and the other would be a for-profit business with a focus to empower people in developing nations. While discussions about both opportunities are still in the early stages and no offers or committments have been made yet, this opened my eyes to the possibility of doing work outside of Microsoft. Even if I don’t end up with either of these ventures, I know I will eventually find something similar to dedicate my life to, and I wasn’t finding it at Microsoft. I realized that the only thing that was keeping me at Microsoft was the security it offers. Money.
Now I am extremely blessed to be in the position I’m in. Having a Stanford Computer Science degree and experience at Microsoft gives me the job security that I could likely find some kind of job to pay the bills if I ever run out of money. I have been saving some money since I started working, and I figure that if I’m frugal I can probably last the summer without completely draining my savings paying for rent, car insurance, my car loan, healthcare, food and my beloved student loans. Most people wouldn’t do this - leave one job intentionally without another job already lined up. But, looking at this quote I wrote on my Facebook profile back in college, I realized I’ve totally been a hypocrite.
For me, nothing is worth doing half-hearted. For anything important to me, I will put my heart and soul into it. I have a “go all the way, balls to the wall, never give up” attitude that originates from my old soccer coach, but I apply it to all the things that I truly care about. Live life passionately, or it’s not worth living.
I’m a different person than the person I was back in March 2006 when I interviewed for this job. Back then my older brother Oliver was still alive and I was more passionate about technology and making money. After his passing, I changed the way I look at the world. Luckily, my parents have a new perspective as well. As I’ve shared before, Oliver chose to be a teacher despite his Chemical Engineering degree (and my parents weren’t that thrilled). But he made the right choice to follow his heart since he only had 3 years to work before he was diagnosed with stage 4 colon cancer. Now my parents understand the importance of doing something your passionate about, and they fully support me in my decision. What a blessing.
I don’t know exactly when it happened, but at some point I stopped being passionate about the work I do at Microsoft. It wasn’t my co-workers or my environment, but when I wasn’t able to be excited about going to work everyday (and I know you can’t really do it everyday), I should have realized I shouldn’t be doing it anymore. Perhaps I’m an idealist, because I know that the majority of people would say they aren’t passionate about their jobs and work is just work - it pays the bills. But at least for now I will maintain my idealism, my belief that God created me unique with particular passions and abilities. I believe there is a place for me to find the intersection of my passions and my talents, and now I’m on a quest to find it.
I already have contacts with various social start-ups, foundations and non-profits and a few informational interviews scheduled. I’m always looking for more, so if you have contacts to pass on, do let me know! I plan to intentionally take some time off to reflect, discern, research and really think about what I should do next with my life. I want to cast a wide net and consider all possibilities. My first choice is to stay in Seattle, though many people predict I will end up back in the Bay Area. I don’t even know if I’ll stay in the United States. My friend Adam is trying to get me to move to Japan with him in the fall, and I’m open to working for NGOs or Microfinance Institutes in Asia, Africa, Latin America or South America.
There are a lot of places out there…
I feel like I’m at a unique point in my life. God has blessed me with youth, health, education and freedom. I’m not responsible for anyone else besides myself. I hope to one day get married and have a family, and when that time comes I probably won’t be able to travel around the world to different third world countries (unless my future wife also wants to do that, which would be sweet!). So that leaves no time like the present. One of my colleagues at M$ told me how he lived in Honduras for a year when he was 24 working at a Microfinance Institute and he said it was one of the best experiences of his life.
For the short term, I’m just taking some time to relax, reflect and research. As for travel my first stop is going to be the Grand Canyon. Other places I plan to go are: Bay Area, Houston, New York City / Boston, etc, Hawaii, and hopefully some other countries eventually. If you have suggestions, do let me know :).
It’s a scary and exciting time for me, but I trust that God will guide me to the right place.
Update: I heard the video in my pastor’s blog doesn’t work anymore, so I added it below. Watch it. Trust me. You will be moved.
30 years old? I thought I just turned 24 back in February?
It’s not me. My older brother Oliver’s 30th birthday is today. 30 is a big year. Something tells me that Oliver wouldn’t make a big deal about it though. He’d be casual about it, probably still playing Nintendo with his friends or working on his lesson plans. Yet, birthdays always make me reflect. I wonder what life would be like if he never got sick. But ideas like that are pretty silly. Besides, I’m afraid of where I might be because through his cancer and death, my family grew so much closer together, and more importantly, closer to God. I might be able to call him up and wish him a happy birthday, but it wouldn’t mean that much, I would probably still take him for granted along with the rest of my family. But those 3 years after he got sick, our relationship deepened in a way that might never have happened even if he lived to be 80. So it’s with a bittersweet joy that I celebrate his 30th birthday, even if he’s not here to celebrate it with me.
A photo from Christmas 2005 with my hair at its longest.
Reading over the speech I gave at his funeral, it makes me think about who I was back then and how I’ve changed. I sound very detached and matter-of-fact in it. I was still in shock back then and not really connecting with my emotions: the pain and sadness. I was hiding behind a facade of strength and Christian aphorisms about how everything is okay because God’s in control. He has a plan.
While I believe these things to be true, I still struggle with my humanness. I am still sad today. I broke down in tears on the way home yesterday (and yes the 520 traffic did want to make me cry, but it was more than the traffic). I miss my brother. I feel cheated out of having a friend, mentor, role-model and someone I could always count on. Oliver was a high school teacher despite having a Chemical Engineering degree. He loved teaching High School science. He was always teaching me. It was tough being 6 years younger though. We were never really in the same stage of life.
I had one week together with my brother when we were both college graduates before he passed away. By then he was very skinny and weak. We didn’t talk too much. There weren’t really any words left to be said. He said he was glad I made it home (after going on a post-graduation retreat with Intervarsity). Though he was at the end of his life and doctors said he could go any day, he promised me he’d wait till after my retreat because he wanted me to go to it. He kept his promise. I gave him a hug when I saw him and I was afraid I might break him. My older brother who once towered over me and would beat me up as a kid, who I feared and respected, I was stronger than him.
My sister Adrienne, Oliver and I at the hospital in April 2005.
Physically I was stronger, but inside I felt so weak and helpless. It was Oliver who exuded a quiet strength stemming from an inner peace. He knew that it was soon time for God to take him home. He was ready. I wasn’t. I wanted to cling on to his life as long as possible. I was holding out for a miracle. He believed in miracles, and that God could save him. But he just didn’t think it was God’s plan. He accepted that and was okay. I have no idea how he did that. I cannot even begin to fathom how he must have felt. Yet I take solace from his example even today. He was facing death, yet he faced it confidently, peacefully, in a way. And I look at myself panicking over such silly things like girls or jobs or money today. He’s still teaching me.
I guess it’s hard for me to celebrate his life without reliving some of the intense last memories with him. Though I know they are fading and will only fade more as years go on, those are just the details. The important stuff will stay with me until the day I hope to see him again. His voice. His smile. His laugh. They are all mine. Often my parents would confuse us on the phone, or his friends would think I was him. When they watch my face, hear me laugh, they tell me how I have his facial expressions and his laugh as well. But more than these physical things, I hope to always carry with me the love he had for others and the love he had for God. All because he’s no longer on earth with us doesn’t mean he stops being my mentor, my role model, my friend, my brother.
Before the 2005 Rose Bowl where Texas beat Michigan.
Happy 30th Birthday Oliver! I miss you and I love you.
P.S. I hope the Rockets beat the stupid Jazz this year!
this has been a tough weekend for me. at least in terms of saying goodbye. i knew a total of 4 people when drove up to seattle from stanford over labor day weekend 2006. this weekend 2 of them left seattle. these were guys who i knew at school and have gotten to know better since they moved up to seattle. it doesn’t feel like that long in a sense, since i can distinctly remember my first few days and weeks in seattle. feeling lost, lonely and a bit afraid. it was reassuring to know that i had friends from school around who were in the same boat. 19+ months later i’m lucky to have found a great community at work, church and through other friends from school. i was able to host a great birthday fundraiser last month and raise money for kids’ education in the philippines.
yet, i still feel this sadness when i see my friends go. and my friend amy is leaving at the end of the month to go to china. we celebrated a goodbye party for her this weekend which was fun, but also makes me reflect on things. goodbye’s are hard, but hey, when nick left for japan last year it was tough, but we still keep in touch. that encourages me at least. i mean i don’t live near most of my college friends and we still talk once in awhile or if i’m lucky i get to visit them or they visit me. real friendships don’t end - they just evolve. and who am i to be afraid of evolution?
goodbyes only lead to new beginnings, and while i’ll miss my friends, i’m also excited for them. [photo courtesy of shish0r]
here’s a little dedication to you guys. a song by rob costlow - one of my favorite piano composers - appropriately entitled ‘goodbyes’
Do I feel any different today than yesterday? Not in particular. Yet today is a day of some reflection for me. I’ve now lived in Seattle for 18 months. I’ve been out of school for 21 months. At the same time, college doesn’t seem so long ago, and yet I feel like so many things have happened since then. From a year ago, I can certainly say that I’ve found a community here in Seattle. Friends at work, my church, from school and people I meet randomly have been a huge blessing to me. I am truly grateful for all the people I’ve gotten to know since moving to Seattle. At the same time, I’ve been able to keep in touch with some friends from high school and college thanks to the power of the internets and multiple trips back to the Bay Area and Houston. So, I’m thankful for all of you as well.
Sometimes I feel all mature and grown-up, worrying about taxes, bills and other grown-up stuff. And other times I just want to play video games, stay up all night reading a good book, or I have irrational thoughts and want to act infantile. I realize that I still have a long way to go. But I think that’s a good thing; I don’t ever want to stop feeling like a kid at heart.
Some exciting things to look forward to this year include running the Vancouver marathon, developing my photography business, establishing a nonprofit to benefit kids’ education in the Philippines, and more. I’m excited about the dreams, visions, and goals God has put on my heart, and I hope that I continue to get the great support I’ve been receiving from my friends.
I feel old in a way. I always have looked up to my brother Oliver, and a lot of my memories of him are from his early twenties when he was teaching high school science, and before he was diagnosed with colon cancer. You see, it wasn’t long after his 25th birthday that doctors told him that cancer would claim his life within 2 years. Luckily he decided to follow his heart and ‘throw away’ his Chemical Engineering degree and follow his passion for teaching. In another year, I’ll be 25 - the age he found out his life was beginning to end. Am I following my heart? Am I motivated by my passions? I think I’m doing these things to a certain degree, but I realize that life is finite. We honestly don’t know how long we’ll be here for.
Here’s me trying to look all reflective while admiring the Hawaiian landscape last year.
I titled my post with the beginning lyrics of the song ‘24′ by Switchfoot. I never really thought about the lyrics, but since I’m celebrating this number today, maybe I can reflect a little bit on them, among other things. The last verse goes:
I want to see miracles, see the world change
Wrestled the angel, for more than a name
For more than a feeling
For more than a cause
I’m singing Spirit take me up in arms with You
And You’re raising the dead in me
Twenty four voices
With twenty four hearts
With all of my symphonies
In twenty four parts
A lot of these things are true for me. I want to see miracles and change the world. And yet I know it’s not for my glory, but for God’s. I have a lot of crazy ideas and passions and I trust that He’ll guide me along the way.
I didn’t grow up in the Chinese culture celebrating Lunar New Year, but I have enough friends who had the red enevelopes of money that made me jealous enough. But, now I’m just glad I get to celebrate with friends over Dim Sum and Hot Pot. I was reminded of the fact that today marks the beginning of the Year of the Rat, which is my Zodiac sign. Since the zodiac repeats every 12 years, I guess 24 is going to be a pretty awesome - I mean otherwise I have to wait another 12 years. At age 12, I was in like 7th grade or something. Random middle school memories include:
Running for 6th grade student council treasurer, winning, and then getting the money box stolen under my nose during a fundraiser
Winning the school spelling bee, and the getting out in the first round at district (no, I will not embarrass myself and tell you which word I lost on). Alas that Microsoft Word and autocomplete have rendered my spelling skills mediocre at best.
Using AOL back when it was pay-by-hour and getting grounded by my dad for running up a $100+ bill one month.
If you went to school with me back then, feel free to jog my memory on anything else notable. At age 36, I wonder what crazy things I’ll remember from when I was 24…
Back to the Chinese Zodiac, I found this from Wikipedia, so take note, my fellow rats (I know there are a bunch of you):
Being the first sign of the Chinese zodiacs, rats are leaders, pioneers and conquerors. They are charming, passionate, charismatic, practical and hardworking. Rat people are endowed with great leadership skills and are the most highly organized, meticulous, and systematic of the twelve signs. Intelligent and cunning at the same time, rats are highly ambitious and strong-willed people who are keen and unapologetic promoters of their own agendas, which often include money and power. They are energetic and versatile and can usually find their way around obstacles, and adapt to various environments easily. A rat’s natural charm and sharp demeanor make it an appealing friend for almost anyone, but rats are usually highly exclusive and selective when choosing friends and so often have only a few very close friends whom they trust.
Behind the smiles and charm, rats can be terribly obstinate and controlling, insisting on having things their way no matter what the cost. These people tend to have immense control of their emotions, which they may use as a tool to manipulate and exploit others, both emotionally and mentally. Rats are masters of mind games and can be very dangerous, calculative and downright cruel if the need arises. Quick-tempered and aggressive, they will not think twice about exacting revenge on those that hurt them in any way. Rats need to learn to relax sometimes, as they can be quite obsessed with detail, intolerant and strict, demanding order, obedience, and perfection.
Rats consider others before themselves, at least sometimes, and avoid forcing their ideas onto others. Rats are fair in their dealings and expect the same from others in return, and can be deeply affronted if they feel they have been deceived or that their trust has been abused. Sometimes they set their targets too high, whether in relation to their friends or in their career. But as the years pass, they will become more idealistic and tolerant. If they can develop their sense of self and realize it leaves room for others in their life as well, Rats can find true happiness.
According to tradition, Rats often carry heavy karma and at some point in life may face an identity crisis or some kind of feeling of guilt. Rats are said to often have to work very long and hard for everything they may earn or have in life. However, a Rat born during the day is said to have things a bit easier than those who are born at night. Traditionally, Rats born during the night may face extreme hardships and suffering throughout life. Rats in general should guard themselves against hedonism, as it may lead to self-destruction. Gambling, alcohol and drugs tend to be great temptations to Rat natives.
So basically, I guess we’re passionate, ambitious, vengeful, selectively altruistic and love Las Vegas. Sweet. What do you think the year of the Rat is going to be like?
